You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
