someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
