Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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