sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
