you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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