I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
