i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Houston, we have a blender
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
