dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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