I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
