I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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