Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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