Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
