my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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