I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
