Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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