I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
