Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
