we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
