Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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