Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
did you just send me my own nude
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
