I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
