I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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