His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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