i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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