i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
sex in a hospital.. check
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
