If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize