I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
