Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
