There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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