I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
