At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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