Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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