I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
