Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
