When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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