Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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