I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Watching her eat just hurts me
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize