people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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