12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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