Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
