My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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