The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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