woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
