I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
