i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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