Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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