I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
