I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
