I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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