Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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