If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think a kid would responsible me up
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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