between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Reggie can tackle my bush.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just high enough for therapy.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
