As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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