I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
