The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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