She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
and she was petting her beer can
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
