i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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