You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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