i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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