mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
